I had to make a cup of tea before I could actually sit down and write this post; I'm so wound up about so many things right now.
For those of you who don't know, I've accepted a new job and am going back to work partially the week of July 14th and full time on the 21st. Len will finish the summers paternity leave. I didn't intend to go back to work this summer, but when the right job with the perfect combination of challenges, money and reasonably family friendly came along; I had to take it. I know that it's the right decision for all of us, but I'm anxious and a little bit scared.
So, in preparation for this, Adara and I had our last breastfeed three days ago. Things had been dwindling away after Vancouver. When I came back, she was really a baby on the move and didn't want to devote the ten seconds or so that it takes to get breast milk to let down. She wanted instant or nothing! So, we'd been having occasional, not very satisfying attempts at breastfeeding. Then on saturday, we had an amazing feed. She was cuddled into me, smiling and patting away at me, happy legs kicking for a good five minutes. We felt very happy and bonded to me. Later that evening, I realized that that was it. I wanted to remember a happy end, not keep pushing her to do something that she didn't want to. And so we are finished with that, and I'm quite sad.
I'm also nervous to go back to work. I don't know if I'm as good at this as I used to be. The new job is a bigger company and people that I don't know, so it's not enough to be just good, I have to be better then I was before. I'm somewhat excited by that, and somewhat petrified.
The upside to all of this is that Len gets time to hang out with Adara and get out of the darkened theatre for a summer. The downside is that I've had to cancel some of my plans for gallivanting about the countryside. Oh well, as the phone calls and emails of the past week have told me, there are plenty of people ready and willing to come gallivanting our way instead!
So, here we are, ready to come out of our mom and baby honeymoon and rejoin the real world. If any other moms have any thoughts on this transition, I'd be glad to hear them, cause as always, I feel like we're headed into the unknown.
3 comments:
Congratulations on the scary and exciting new career move and sympathies on the weaning sadness. I enjoyed the happy payoff after weaning that Phelan became much more cuddly and affectionate with me now that nursing was no longer our sole form of intimacy.
I remember the last time Roo had a satisfactory feed. Given that he's now 17, I'm not sure what that says about me or the experience :-)
But I do remember being sad it was the last time.
It was also his choice to stop - real food being so much yummier - he just wasn't interested anymore.
I worked throughout his infancy being the sole provider as well as main care giver and feeder. I was directing for the Citadel while in labour and then started a new job/career when he was 3 mo. old with no rest in between. The whole way we kept up breast feeding for as long as he was taking nutrition from it.. and, around 11 mo, he just didn't want the breast anymore.
That internal/external bond of breastfeeding is unique and special. But the cuddling and closeness never ends!
Congratulations on your new job Kendra! The truth is that you will all be great. The challenge of the new job will offset the amount of time that you will spend thinking about being away from your daughter and before you know it, it will be the end of the day and you'll be back home again! We're proud of your accomplishments. All the best to you. The Pollocks
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